Global warming horror

I imagined what it would be like in 2020, by when the full effect of global warming would have hit the world. I think this is something we can expect to see in the newspapers. This is me, Doofus Maximus, reporting. For comic relief only.

Hawaii sinks. Completely.

21st February 2020
The New New York City

By correspondent Dewfus Maksimus

The world stood and stared in shock watching the last coconut tree of Hawaii go down under sea level. In a series of events across the world that involved the sinking of several islands, Hawaii, the 50th state, the “archipelago of booze”, was the 14th victim. Tens of thousands had gathered on the coast of Fornia (formerly known as California). The president expressed deep regret at this because Hawaii gave good revenue from tourism, especially from drunk college kids during spring break. In a twitter press conference held soon after, he posted the following from his cell phone – “The last time I visited Hawaii during the presidential campaign, I had seen at least eight coconut trees. I even bought a souvenir. It is sad that one can no longer sip a coconut in the sunny beaches, let alone run in slow motion.

A lot of land from the United States has succumbed to the wrath of water. Only a couple of years ago, the state of California was renamed to Fornia because most of the west coast was underwater and California had become a thin strip. The thin shape of the state could no longer contain the whole word “California” in maps and atlases. The governer, having a liking towards small names renamed it Fornia, because the ‘Cali’ part was underwater.

According to several polls and surveys conducted over the internet, ‘water‘ is now voted the #1 public enemy. People were interviewed about what corrective measure they should have taken in the 1990-2010 to prevent global warming. Indi Nayal, a citizen of DUK (Deniably United Kingdom), said “We never took global warming seriously back in the days. It was mentioned occasionally on TV but I was always under the impression that it’s not going to happen while I am going to be alive. I guess we were in denial. In denial. In-de-ni-al. Hey, that IS my name!

Another gentleman we interviewed was Italian, named Pizzacau Zes Obesiti – and he was upset on two levels. First, the long-legged-Italy (see map) lost its shoe because of the rising water levels. (Co)Incidentally, most of the soccer players were from that part of the country. Second, the country was so full of painters that the water around Italy hasΒ  a mixture of colors now.

India too lost the Andaman & Nicobar islands in 2018 followed by Lakshwadeep in 2019. However, they are not upset. The focus of the country is driven towards another issue – how to retain the water in the soil. Most of the government funding is going towards building 88 giant airtight containers that would fit all the 88 states. When the government was asked the significance of such boxes, they replied that “Food stays nice and fresh that way, because the moisture is retained. So why not scale it up a little bit? Each of these boxes will snugly cover each of the 88 states and poof, all the water stays in.” But they are having trouble with Pakistan yet again, because Pakistan wants more of Kashmir than India is willing to share. The size of the air tight container meant for Kashmir is yet to be decided after peace talks between both nations.

The bottom line is, the end is near, everyone. Global warming is very real.

Global warming is so real

So global warming is very real. Season changes are unseasonal. Winter is overstaying its welcome in several parts of the world, and other places are seeing summer temperatures soaring above 40 C in March itself. Weather patterns have changed soΒ  much that even the common man has started observing it. For example, the number of savage storms and hurricanes across the world in the last three years alone have shattered both homes and records. The world is indeed realizing that global warming is indeed happening, but all the action is limited to saying that we need to do something about it. Well, THEN DO IT! Walk to the store, don’t drive. It’s not that hot, you will do fine without the air conditioning. Switch off all the lit advertisement billboards. No one needs to see them flashing! It’s too cold inside the house? Don’t touch that thermostat – just wear another layer. Cut less trees, use recycled wood. The list of things that can be done by the common man is endless. The Kyoto Protocol is good protocol!

I want to go to Hawaii before it sinks. Please. πŸ™

Photo courtesy of that polar bear

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31 Responses to “Global warming horror”
  1. Revathi says:

    I know one city which wont die of a water overload – Chennai!!!! Water is scarcer than buffaloes!!!

  2. Shiv says:

    You know… Obama made a statement that was so true… If Indians and Chinese started using the kind of energy that Americans / Brits did, we would have melted by now. Funny how poverty and apathy towards basic living conditions by the politicians here is actually helping us prevent us all from melting!!!

  3. Kadambari says:

    This was really very well written. I read this book called, “Hot, Flat and Crowded”, and it said the same thing Shiv mentions. Now that, Asian countries are advancing technologically, the threat is pronounced. Once we start living our ‘American Dream’, our planet would stand no chance.

  4. Smith says:

    Dewfus Maksimus!!! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ ROTFL – Awesome!!

  5. Kokonad says:

    Ha ha! But what about the water buffaloes? πŸ˜› Sigh. Chennai. I so miss Besant Nagar beach. And that parantha joint opposite. And Veroonas!

    @Shiv and @Kadambari
    Thank you for dropping by and commenting! Yeah – what you guys pointed out is truly mind boggling. It’s so obvious and yet only a few have pointed it out. However I do believe, that India already has a significant contribution to global warming, mainly because of poor pollution regulations. Well, good pollution regulations but poor execution of such regulations. It’s a small country in terms of area (compared to the US) but it sure has a LOT of people in it! I am mentioning India because I know India. I am sure there are many more countries other than the US that are also making significant contributions to global warming.

    Thank you, Smith πŸ™‚

  6. Shiv says:

    I had read abt a proposed solution for global warming. I was not able to locate the original article, but have this news piece. Dunno if it will work, but is a rather interesting solution.

  7. Tangerine says:

    a well written post. in some places its too much water and in othr there is too little. such is the ways of life.
    this is my first visit and i m hoping to read more from dewfus maximus!

  8. Sayontan says:

    For some reason I read the headline as “Hawaii stinks. Completely.” Signs of tiring times, I guess.

  9. Kokonad says:

    Thanks for the link, Shiv. That is indeed an interesting concept – though, it has got me thinking now. Firing trillions of mirrors into space? Hmmm… how do you ensure they face the right direction? Also, won’t that let mercury vapor in the atmosphere? And won’t it deprive people down here of vitamin D? I guess what would really help is if people stop leaving it to the future generations to take care of the problem. We need to plant more and more trees! We really do! πŸ™

    First of all, I love your name. More so because I love the name Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which is one of my all time favorite movies! A friend of mine also named her gold fish Tangerine and Clementine! Second, welcome to my blog! I hope Dewfus Maksimus writes more of such articles! πŸ™‚

    Heh heh… Dada, you know, if I do write a post on a stinking city, I will probably pick Philadelphia or any of the Indian cities we’ve lived in!

  10. Archana says:

    Haha, this was very well written. Though you picked my birthday day, the 21st of Feb, for Hawaii to sink. Lol, sad day! Like the touch of the “New New York City”. You’ve got talent, will definitely swing by your blog again. πŸ™‚

  11. Archana says:

    PS I have no idea why my icon is a little purple monster, when on my blog it’s my own image. Weird. Lol.

  12. Nitin says:

    Nice blog koke… and a good, thoughtful post !
    i am pro energy saver and often find myself in same string of thoughts as mentioned here.

    thanks for pointing to the Hawaii part..i too wish to visit Hawaii before it sinks [:)]

  13. Gauri says:

    Beautifully written piece..

    my grandma says with utmost seriousness that we would have gone back to horses and hurricane lamps when i get as old as she is.

  14. Kokonad says:

    Hi Archana, welcome to my blog! πŸ™‚ And thank you for the compliments too! I actually love the vector art stuff! Wow. It looks stylish! With regards to your icon, it is now an indigo colored pentagon! πŸ™‚ It’s a WordPress thing – not being completely synced with Blogspot.

    Nitin Parihar ji raam raam! Long long long time no hear, no see. I am happy you liked the post! Where are you currently, btw?

    Thank you, Gauri! You know, it is possible that it might REALLY happen. People will indeed realize a simpler life is a better life – at several levels – not just global warming, but for personal happiness too. It’s like the world needs a fresh reboot/reinstall. πŸ˜€

  15. Debleena says:

    I just attended this interesting seminar…apparently cows are responsible for global warming more than cars…so environmentalists shud target dairy industry more than the automobile industry…hmmm…

    this gives the gist…
    dont worry biotech is trying to solve it πŸ™‚

    btw Koke its barota in Chennai not paranthas….the one at Bessy is called Khana Khazana πŸ™‚

  16. Archana says:

    Thanks for the compliment. :)Yeah I just started my vector art blog, but I definitely do enjoy taking some time off from working on the art pieces and reading blogs – yours being one of them. And yay that I’m not a purple monster anymore, haha. Will stop by to read more later, ciao!

  17. Kokonad says:

    Yes, that is a theory I have heard often – apparently when a cow passes gas, its contribution to global warming is of bovine proportions! I think the solution is to simply give the cows less junk food and more good food. πŸ˜›

    Someday we will have a conversation as to how you do those things! It looks really really nice! Do you ‘vector art’ only portraits?

  18. Archana says:

    Thanks for all the compliments. πŸ™‚ Haha, a conversation over a cup of coffee perhaps? Lol. Noticed the plug on the blogroll – thanks! I tried to look for that followers thing on your blog, regardless I have you on my list of blogs to follow. And to answer your question, I prefer vectoring portraits because they’re more complex in the sense of detailing. But eventually I might dabble into the more pop-art/long shot type of vectors.

    PS – I noticed your movie reviews and for the movie ‘He’s just not that into you’…it’s a chick-flick. They’re all like that, just brainless fun. πŸ˜› I agree with you though, Love Actually is one of my all time favs. Going to go watch ‘The Fast and The Furious 4’ tmrw. Should be interesting with Vin Diesel’s come back and everything.

  19. Archana says:

    Oh and speaking of portraits, I just did one of Eva Mendes – – and the result of that portrait makes me one happy cookie. Heh.

  20. Kokonad says:

    LOL @ Over a cup of coffee! πŸ˜€
    About the follower thing, I did think to put it up initially, but I don’t use it myself (direct subscription to Google Reader).
    Fast and the Furious, eh? Do tell me how you liked it! And guess what… I am one of those few guys who doesn’t mind watching chick flicks! *blushes*
    Btw, now I feel like eating a cookie. Have you ever had Insomnia Cookies’ White Chocolate Macadamia nut cookie? If you ever get a chance to, you’ve GOT TO try it out! *Drooling on keyboard*

  21. Archana says:

    Haha those cookies do sound delish. Though I’m all about Milano’s Dark Chocolate cookies – – they are SINFUL! πŸ™‚

    PS – Fast and the Furious 4, is the best sequel yet. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker make an awesome team…and for all the women who were watching, Paul Walker was oh so sexy in the movie. Haha, but besides him, the plot was good and the car race sequences were amazing!

    I’m finishing up packing at the moment, hopefully there’ll be some good movies on board. πŸ™‚ I’ll catch up with you when I’m back in May!

  22. Kokonad says:

    Oooh Milano. Pepperidge Farm is the best farm ever!
    Have a great journey! Take lots of pictures, wherever you are going!

  23. Ashwathy says:

    good one! much as u’ve put satire into it…. its a real problem but not enuff ppl are caring about it πŸ™

    • Kokonad says:

      Yeah πŸ™ The unfortunate part is that the common man thinks it’s the job for someone else – while all it takes is the collective effort of every individual person on earth. If everyone walked to the store two blocks away instead of driving to it, that would be a start!

  24. Roshmi says:

    Italians won’t have much of a problem… even if they lose their shoe or their cap… remember they have a very strong ‘India’ connection… they can just ‘relocate’… without shedding a tear for the ‘lost shoe’… and will be very comfortable indeed… most Indian states are bigger than Italy… therefore lots of leg room… πŸ™‚

    And Disney will come up with the sequel of “Saving Narnia”… it will be called: “Saving Fornia”…!!!

    P.S.: For want of a ‘shoe’ the horse was lost… for want of a ‘horse’ the kingdom was lost… so goes a poem.. But if one already has a ‘readymade’ kingdom elsewhere… ‘nothing’ is lost…. therefore, one need not worry!!!

    RoshmiΒ΄s latest blog post – "Swine Fluuuuu" and the grunt(side) stories!!!

  25. Roshmi says:

    About the ‘strong’ connection that India has with Italy. Here it is… again courtesy: “Communication (s)kills!!!”

    Now, for some ‘implied’ communication. Lets talk about the 2006 FIFA World Cup. The tournament was won by Italy, who claimed their fourth World Cup title. But… I did not find a single Indian tricolour in the stands or gush-pieces the following day in any of our newspapers or the media… How did we miss the point?? Doesn’t India have a very ‘strong’ connection with Italy… and doesn’t that make us ‘Winners by Default’… ??? Maybe everyone mistook the Italian tricolour… the green, white and red as the Indian tricolour… a bleary-eyed view. Maybe. Just maybe…

    RoshmiΒ΄s latest blog post – "Swine Fluuuuu" and the grunt(side) stories!!!

  26. Kokonad says:

    Once again, excellent play on words! More leg room… ha ha ha!
    Yes, it is VERY LIKELY someone mistook the Italian tricolor to be the Indian tricolor – if you are on your 6th drink and you squint, they look freakishly identical πŸ˜›
    Thanks for commenting, Roshmi! Do drop by again!

  27. Roshmi says:

    Thanks a bunch! πŸ™‚

    I have written on the ‘turbanator’… here it is… courtesy: “Communication (s)kills!!!”

    There are communication(s) of a ‘different’ kind too and they can prove to be very ‘costly’ or ‘expensive’. As was discovered by a certain ‘turbanator’ and his ‘too cocky for his own good’ turned ‘cry baby’ team mate. The story went like this… the ‘golden panja/palm’ of the ‘turbanator’ planted one… resounding ‘THWAK’… on the ‘golden’ nay ‘platinum’ cheeks of this ‘appam’ eating fellow cricketer. The BCCI declared that it was completely against ‘noise pollution’. The End Result: both the main protagonists were made to understand the meaning of the line ‘silence is golden’… from the marrow of their bones, accompanied by sufficient cooling of their heels and a lot of twiddling of their respective thumbs! I also heard that the water level of the Arabian Sea and the Indian Ocean as well as that of the five rivers of the Punjab… rose substantially in the following weeks and came precariously close to the ‘danger’ mark! Hmmm… may be that was the reason for the ‘good’ monsoons… last year. Given the dearth of rains… we can do with an encore this year too!!! For sure. This quick handiwork by the ‘turbanator’ must rank among the costliest-ever slaps in world history, and certainly a record-setting one in cricket! It acquired a unique name too: ‘Slap-gate’, found its way into the dictionary… for posterity, and also resulted in lightening the turbanator’s purse by a whopping 3 crore (30 million) Rupees!!! And to think… Vodafone has unveiled the ‘Zoozoo’ for the same amount!!

    Wonder how the insurance chaps and the computer-games-inventing guys passed up such a ‘priceless’ opportunity. Imagine… the ‘hit appam on the cheeks’ and win… whatever… with an opportunity to shake tubanator’s hands thrown in… would have been a runaway hit!!! Instead, both these headline-grabbing ‘actors’ shook hands…yes, with each other. Quite an anticlimax!

    RoshmiΒ΄s latest blog post – "Swine Fluuuuu" and the grunt(side) stories!!!

  28. It’s certainly going to happen!!
    Simply RidiculousΒ΄s latest post – Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 4. Geocentricity

  29. Kokonad says:

    SR: Oh yes, it is going to happen! The whole world is somewhat in denial as to what disasters are being left for the coming generations…


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