I was assembled from parts

This post featured on BlogAdda’s Tangy Tuesday Picks.

When I was a kid, for a long long time I thought that the primary requirement for two people to be married was that they should have the same last name. That was until my mom told me that her maiden last name was Dutta, and that it changed to Sinha after she married my dad. I didn’t say anything, but I secretly liked Dutta better, simply because I found Utpal Dutta a lot better than Shatrughan Sinha. Also, Dutta was a common last name, unlike Sinha. I already kind of disliked “Kokonad” because it was so uncommon.

But this post is not about that.

I was a kid with a wild imagination. When I thought of child birth, I was under the impression that two people have to lie on bed together and poof, a child just happens. I had no idea how close to being correct I was. But then my question always had been – how did the baby know the parents were married? I had wondered so many times how I got there. My dad often mentioned that I was in my mother’s stomach when they went to Darjeeling and other beautiful places with my brother (I held that grudge against him for a long time and also for the fact that he ate for five years more than me). So that negated the theory of poof-a-child-just-happens. So instead, the explanation I gave to myself was that I was assembled from individual parts. I used to think that I was put together by a very able doctor and then put in my mother’s stomach to ‘fuse’. As long as the assembly was perfect with the bones aligned perfectly, the final product is commendable. My dad also kept saying that “I was almost born a girl”. See, this recurring statement of his was the one thing that reaffirmed my faith in creation-through-assembly. I thought that when they were planning on having me, they made a last minute decision in telling the doctor that they wanted a boy, and the doctor added the necessary attachments. And then I was put in my mother’s stomach yada-yada. I was only three but I found the idea of ‘fusing’ quite credible. Anyway, as I was writing this post, I decided I must know why he used to tell me that. I placed a call halfway around the world to ask him what did he exactly mean by that statement. Amidst pure confusion of being asked this question from nowhere, he told me that he was hoping to have a daughter, and got a son instead.

Like any other typical Indian family, my sex education at home as I grew up was absolutely fabulous. Yes, I know most of you will agree with me how our parents carefully and painstakingly avoided the topic of the anatomical wonder that is man (or woman). When we used to watch movies at home and there was an “ahem” scene, we used to leave the living room to drink a glass of water from the kitchen. If Durex or Whisper was showing an ad on TV during the break at prime time news, we looked distracted while our parents slyly changed the channel to see what else is on. Thanks to all the sanitary napkin ads, an acquaintance of mine was under the impression that women had blue blood. And here’s an embarrassing fact about me – when I learned about the menstrual cycle, I called up a female friend to confirm it. We have vowed never to speak of the incident again.

And here’s something I had been thinking about as I was writing this post.

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Filed under Musings, Thoughts in 2D

Comments

28 Responses to “I was assembled from parts”
  1. ruSh.Me says:

    LOL,.. now that’s not new!! Being a 3-female family, we did not have many-a-issues with Whisper/Stayfree ads.. But well, sex-education was always a taboo.. The ever-growing inquiries about the male-part were not yet satisfied till my mid-twenties, when I acquired a partner!! 😀

    We always told my little sister that we chose her from a beautiful array of new-born babies at the hospital.. and we also threatened to return her and exchange her for a better behaved one if she would not do her homework or household work!! 😛
    ruSh.Me´s latest post – Thoughts of an Indian girl

  2. Annu says:

    he he… cool one. abt the whisper bit, when i was too young to know abt it i thought those are super water absorbent tissues you can use to wipe sweat. when my younger bro once asked about it when the ad was running on television and my parents just tried to change the topic… i said… hey don’t ou know, it’s a tissue paper used to wipe sweat. i have no idea if he lived in that belief until long. i hope he never told this to his male friends 😉
    Annu´s latest post – What did Santa tell Banta in December?

  3. This is so common, we grew up the same way with some equally intersting and imaginative concepts 🙂 Many parents are proud of their children’s ignorance (they call it ‘innocence’)… we even associate decency, good character and moral values with lack of sex ed. A minister once objected to sex education in schools because he thought, sex-education meant Blue films.
    indianhomemaker´s latest post – Let’s wipe that smile off his face.

  4. Anamika says:

    Yeah, I agree with all your points there. I laughed at that graph =)) When I asked my mother about how I was born, she was like angels came flying and landed me on her hand. I actually thought angels come flying with babies. What with all the cartoon network series drama =)

    Good one.

    And blue blood? Seriously? I used to play with napkins and make blue poster colours and dip them in showing the white one and the blue dipped one. Yeah, those old ad mimicry days are over.

    I’m guessing you’ll never talk to me after reading this one =P

  5. mentalie says:

    kokonad! that was hilarious 🙂 made my (dull-ish) day at work and reminded me of my slow journey to sexual literacy as well, heh. ps: i used to think children were made in cookers.
    mentalie´s latest post – a daydream of you, my love

  6. Roshmi says:

    =))

    Those were some interesting and imaginative concepts! Keep them coming 🙂
    Roshmi´s latest post – Profound, Prolific and Funny. (Part-III)

  7. Nikita says:

    ‘the doctor added the necessary attachments’ to make you a boy?? uh-huh….interesting 😛

    i, incidentally, spent a few months hanging by a rope tied to my mom’s stomach.
    Nikita´s latest post – An Update And Some Help, Please

  8. Rohini says:

    Maybe you are right; prodigal children are indeed assembled from parts. Tiny bits of DNA from the best of everything in the universe. 🙂

  9. Ashwathy says:

    i know one of my newphew’s friends who uses sanitary pads to wipe spilt ink on the table…. yes, the blue blood concept! that continued until his mother caught him red-handed (pardon the pun) and it stopped! 😀
    Ashwathy´s latest post – My Interview at Speakbindas!!

  10. gkam says:

    Cracker of a post!

    I too, at 6 or so, used to be intrigued about the sanitary napkins and the whole “Blue Blood” concept. To satisfy my curiosity, I even rummaged through my mom’s cupboard until I found one. 😛

    My social embarrassment was saved thankfully by my school who cleared the intricate concepts of birds and the bees.

    and here is me wishing a Happy New Year!
    gkam´s latest post – And the award goes to….

  11. Ode Writer says:

    hee hee!!.. it was a wonderfully funny post 😀

    we all have had some random imagination as kids… i thought, kids were born when two people kissed and we had a maid servant at home, who would sneak to meet her guy, and once i even saw them kissing…

    Hell fell, when i told my mom, that she would get pregnant… imagine her horrors!! (i think, this could well be another post)

    anyways, first time on ur blog… a good one, and Happy New Years!
    Ode Writer´s latest post – Current Status: Decluttering in Progress

  12. Kokonad says:

    #EVERYONE, I am glad to see all of you giving your inputs, and that was pretty much the point of this post! After getting a few more inputs in comments (if any), I will append them to the post if you don’t mind – because they are FUNNY AS HELL! 😀

    #ruSH.Me:
    Ha ha ha ha, that’s hilarious! About sorting things out when we actually get a partner, most of us are/were in the same boat as you are, aren’t we! Thanks for commenting on my blog again! 🙂 You have a new subscriber to yours!

    #Annu:
    I told about this one to my friends at home, and oh god that had people rolling with laughter! 😀

    #IndianHomeMaker:
    Shocking! But very believable! 🙂 And yeah, that innocence gets people into SO MUCH trouble! It’s unfortunate that people think of only “mind-corruption” when it comes to sex-ed. They fail to see that the combination of a general lack of knowledge combined with a lack of control can lead to disaster. 🙁 Sigh.

    #Anamika:
    Ah you got the variation of the storks-bringing-babies-home explanation. And no no, I am all the more intrigued after knowing the ad-mimicry story 😀

    #Mentalie:
    Cookers! LOL LOL LOL LOL! 😀

    #Roshmi:
    Thanks Roshmi! 🙂

    #Nikita:
    He did, he did! 😀

    #Rohini:
    Heh heh heh!

    #Ashwathy:
    The pun was hilarious! 😀 Made me laugh out loud! Poor thing!

    #Gkam:
    Oh you have had a good school! Mine did cover it too – in fact I think it was outsourced to Whisper. The Whisper people came and took a whole half day – half of which we boys played outside and in the other half it was the girls who got to play about. I don’t recollect having learned much, but I do remember that our motto to remember should be “I believe I can fly” 😀 Some sex-ed it was.

    #Ode Writer:
    I think A LOT OF PEOPLE think that! Even in their late teens (Yes, it is true. No, it really is!). I loved your blog, and I am subscribing to it! And you should write about the incident. Happy new year to you 🙂 And a hearty welcome to my blog as well!

  13. “Assembled from parts” sound so very ultra-cool. Even to a sex-ed-ed adult, this takes us to a brave-new-world-ish future. It’s any day better than a stork plonking you at the doorstep story. V. awesome post.
    Flickering Cursor´s latest post – Anal Logic

  14. Anuradha says:

    haha, I don’t remember what weird ideas I had. Oh dear lord, does that mean I realllliiiii old ?

  15. Anuradha says:

    See now even if I don’t use my blogger id, it gives me the same horrible horrible face. =|

  16. gkam says:

    Congrats! on ur post being selected for Tangy Tuesday! 🙂
    gkam´s latest post – And the award goes to….

  17. This was such a nice post. The things we are told as kids !

    I remember thinking marriage + 2 years ought to be time for the first kid and asking an uncle-aunt, in public, as to why they had not been blessed yet ! I was blessed with a ear-bending but nothing more after that..

    In another instance when I was 7-8, I asked my mom, in public again, as to why we do not get sanitary napkins ; I thought they were moist towlettes 🙂

    Great Post !
    Madhu Rao | INDImag.com´s latest post – Exclusive Interview with Raju ‘3-idiots’ Hirani !

  18. grayquill says:

    Great Post – funny especially the conversation with your father
    While reading I thought of the Bible verse “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”
    I have always liked that visual of God putting my together.
    BTW – once again great graph.
    Not talking about sex in the home I think is an international commonality.
    grayquill´s latest post – The Foolish Atheist

  19. tangerine says:

    LOL!!! hilarious …. I have heard a lot of weird theories… bt urs take the cake! And the graphical illustration… sheer genius!
    tangerine´s latest post – New beginnings

  20. rads says:

    hehehe…guess everybody had these doubts as we grew…i can’t even tell u some of mine…gr8 post
    rads´s latest post – Precious – Based on the novel Push by Sapphire

  21. Scorpria says:

    Hilarious one! Assembled!? hahahaha…scared quite a few collegues by laughing to myself and murmering stuff 😀

    As for the whisper ads, i remmebe demanding one to my mom when istarted taking ink pens to school. i thought they were blotters 😀 😀
    Scorpria´s latest post – How to lose about 300 people in a matter of minutes.

  22. riya says:

    hahahaaaa… this is one funny post 😀 read a few of your earlier posts as well.. awesome writing.

    as a kid i believed that a married woman had to eat really well to get a baby in her stomach 😛
    this idea came from some advertisement where they showed a pregnant lady being fed lots of fruits and boiled eggs by her very caring husband 😛
    but i never really understood how your body got to know that you were married.
    riya´s latest post – music lost and found

  23. Kokonad says:

    Hello everyone! This has been a unforeseen hiatus from my writing! Got so busy with work and traveling that all this totally took a back seat. Heck, it didn’t even get a seat! I am sorry for the delay in replying your wonderful wonderful comments.

    #Flickering Cursor
    I am glad you liked the the title! It took me a while to come up with it 🙂

    #Anuradha:
    No, I think it just means you were normal 😛 I am sorry for the horrible face though… may be you can create a WordPress account and upload a cute face you like! 🙂

    #Gkam:
    Whoa! i didn’t even realize that it got selected for Tangy Tuesday! Thanks! 🙂

    #Madhu:
    Welcome to my blog Madhu! At least you were told something! In fact that reminds me… I thought once people get married, bhaiyyas and didis get promoted to uncle and aunty status. I even remember having asked this question to my parents in front of guests. They all laughed. They always laugh. 🙁

    #grayquill:
    I agree sir! If there’s nothing in the world that can unite people, I am sure the puzzling case of sex education can surely bring parents of the world together. 😀

    #Tangerine:
    Thanks! I am glad you liked it 🙂

    #Rads:
    Ah come on! Tell us! 🙂

    #Scorpria:
    Welcome to my blog Scorpria! (Loved the nickname) And the ink blotters thing is hilarious! 😀 Made me laugh out loud at work here! 😀

    #Riya:
    Welcome to my blog, Riya! 🙂 Ah, the food-baby theory! Btw, I had the ditto question when I was a kid. How did the body get to know you were married! 😀 May be it was in the food was one of the answers I gave myself…

  24. Nitu says:

    Yaar hilarious as usual 🙂

  25. Nitu says:

    That was indeed real. Even as a kid, I always used to wonder what STs were. I once asked my mom what they were. She mildly rebuked me. Once I saw a Whisper pack in our bathroom and I immediately ran to my mom and said that I had seen a whisper pack and demanded her to answer my question “Of what use is a Whisper pack?”:) How silly! She said that it was just a covering, it did not had anything in it and said that its uses were none of my business!!!

  26. gmenon says:

    Oh dear! That was a real belly cracking post. OK, I seem to have gotten control over the hysteria. If your folks were into the ingy cringy thing about TV ads, mine we the pole opposite. My parents subscribed to Playboy before that pee-drinking pervert Moraji D banned it. Proof that Indian’s don’t really choose their leader. I mean the perv was elevated to PM. I wish his last name started with an S then we’d have another laff 🙂

    My cringy stuff was watching porn and my mother coming in, looking critically at the screen and stating with finality that said position was IMPOSSIBLE then exiting. It took my own sex encounters to discover said positions were possible but often uncomfortable for one or both the participants. And the XXX rated movie experience was ruined forever by Terry Southern’s Candy.

    We’re all assembled from parts. Part goofy. Part other things. More humor please. Especially from a temp langda with loose screws.
    gmenon´s latest post – Google Docs used for Phishing

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