After the reverberating (cough) response following the coverage of The sinking of Hawaii, Doofus Maximus appears again – only this time, he has an animal’s point of view. A pig. About how they do not have it easy in this cold cruel world of humans. Now with swine flu, they hate it that their already tarnished image is being given a shot. Doofus Maximus reporting, for comic relief only.
Pigs want their oink to be heard
1st May 2009
By correspondent Dewfus Maksimus
Pigs have not had it easy for a long long time. They have been the butt of jokes and stereotypes of the human race for as long as they can remember. In the recently held swine conference held in Lasve Gas, the primary focus of the meeting was to bring together pigs from around the world to discuss how to renew their failed image among the human race. Iffaifaart Yudai, their chief spokespig expressed great hope amidst deep concern -
“Ah all you swine, let our minds entwine, we need to draw the line, and recreate an image so fine, that humans see us shine, and treat us with respect as they dine!“.
Pigs are not happy with several expressions from around the world in different languages – “eat/smell like a pig“, “this place is like a pigsty“, “son of swine” etc. The last one, they say, was spoken out with deep passion in an Indian movie – Sholay (suar ke bachchon), and thereafter, most of this country’s citizens used it as a calling that lacked affection. And now, pigs feel that ‘swine flu’ is going to cause their popularity charts to plummet further. The spokespig added that humans are going to hate pigs more.
“We have a poink to make. It’s not fair you know, they get the flu too! So why can’t we? If they get flu, they get the flu shot. If we get flu, we get shot.”
They are indeed pushing for the renaming of the virus strain to H1N1, so that the general morale of pigs stays higher.
This event was originally organized by the GRaceful Union against Negative Treatment (GRUNT), but they were disgruntled that GRUNT did not quite reach human ears. Humans ignored it as a mere grunt. Then the management gurus advised them to change their name to Oppression and Insensitivity are Not Kool (OINK) but that failed to make a point poink as well. “We thought, at least by spelling ‘cool’ as ‘kool’ is going to get some attention!“, Mr. Yudai was heard saying.
Finally they conducted surveys among humans, the most common reply received was “Pigs forming an organization? Pffft! Yeah, and pigs can fly!” Taking the hint from the overwhelmingly common response, the organization was then renamed to PFFFT (Pigs’ Foundation For Fine Treatment) with their catch line “Pigs can fly”
I imagined what it would be like in 2020, by when the full effect of global warming would have hit the world. I think this is something we can expect to see in the newspapers. This is me, Doofus Maximus, reporting. For comic relief only.
Hawaii sinks. Completely.
21st February 2020
The New New York City
By correspondent Dewfus Maksimus
The world stood and stared in shock watching the last coconut tree of Hawaii go down under sea level. In a series of events across the world that involved the sinking of several islands, Hawaii, the 50th state, the “archipelago of booze”, was the 14th victim. Tens of thousands had gathered on the coast of Fornia (formerly known as California). The president expressed deep regret at this because Hawaii gave good revenue from tourism, especially from drunk college kids during spring break. In a twitter press conference held soon after, he posted the following from his cell phone – “The last time I visited Hawaii during the presidential campaign, I had seen at least eight coconut trees. I even bought a souvenir. It is sad that one can no longer sip a coconut in the sunny beaches, let alone run in slow motion.”
A lot of land from the United States has succumbed to the wrath of water. Only a couple of years ago, the state of California was renamed to Fornia because most of the west coast was underwater and California had become a thin strip. The thin shape of the state could no longer contain the whole word “California” in maps and atlases. The governer, having a liking towards small names renamed it Fornia, because the ‘Cali’ part was underwater.
According to several polls and surveys conducted over the internet, ‘water‘ is now voted the #1 public enemy. People were interviewed about what corrective measure they should have taken in the 1990-2010 to prevent global warming. Indi Nayal, a citizen of DUK (Deniably United Kingdom), said “We never took global warming seriously back in the days. It was mentioned occasionally on TV but I was always under the impression that it’s not going to happen while I am going to be alive. I guess we were in denial. In denial. In-de-ni-al. Hey, that IS my name!”
Another gentleman we interviewed was Italian, named Pizzacau Zes Obesiti – and he was upset on two levels. First, the long-legged-Italy (see map) lost its shoe because of the rising water levels. (Co)Incidentally, most of the soccer players were from that part of the country. Second, the country was so full of painters that the water around Italy has a mixture of colors now.
India too lost the Andaman & Nicobar islands in 2018 followed by Lakshwadeep in 2019. However, they are not upset. The focus of the country is driven towards another issue – how to retain the water in the soil. Most of the government funding is going towards building 88 giant airtight containers that would fit all the 88 states. When the government was asked the significance of such boxes, they replied that “Food stays nice and fresh that way, because the moisture is retained. So why not scale it up a little bit? Each of these boxes will snugly cover each of the 88 states and poof, all the water stays in.” But they are having trouble with Pakistan yet again, because Pakistan wants more of Kashmir than India is willing to share. The size of the air tight container meant for Kashmir is yet to be decided after peace talks between both nations.
The bottom line is, the end is near, everyone. Global warming is very real.
So global warming is very real. Season changes are unseasonal. Winter is overstaying its welcome in several parts of the world, and other places are seeing summer temperatures soaring above 40 C in March itself. Weather patterns have changed so much that even the common man has started observing it. For example, the number of savage storms and hurricanes across the world in the last three years alone have shattered both homes and records. The world is indeed realizing that global warming is indeed happening, but all the action is limited to saying that we need to do something about it. Well, THEN DO IT! Walk to the store, don’t drive. It’s not that hot, you will do fine without the air conditioning. Switch off all the lit advertisement billboards. No one needs to see them flashing! It’s too cold inside the house? Don’t touch that thermostat – just wear another layer. Cut less trees, use recycled wood. The list of things that can be done by the common man is endless. The Kyoto Protocol is good protocol!
I want to go to Hawaii before it sinks. Please.