If the Ramayan were on Facebook

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When I first thought of this idea, I intended to write the Mahabharat this way. Then I thought of writing World War II, then Indian Independence struggle and finally Jaswant Singh’s political fiasco with BJP. But then the plots are SO LONG! The Ramayan has a much more manageable plot, in comparison. And hence I have before you, if the Ramayan were to have an event update like Facebook, how would it be like! It’s a lot of work, doing it with the appropriate icons and the appropriate style. I tried to do it in the original Facebook template – but it was getting really difficult, thanks to my limited knowledge in coding. I hope you like it! 🙂 If you wanted to distribute this document, I would be grateful if you did it with a link to this post. Thank you!

This is an embedded PDF document, using Scribd which is a very versatile tool. You can view this document by zooming in and out, scrolling and even toggle full screen mode. Look for these icons on the top! If you are reading this through your reader or a non-native place, the embedded document may not be visible, in which case you might want to read the original post.

Edited to add – This post has become popular beyond what I could ever ever imagine. I thank every one for forwarding this around via Facebook, Twitter and emails! Thank you, and I am glad this article made you laugh, or at least smile. Krish Ashok of “Doing Jalsa and Showing Jilpa” fame did the Facebook Mahabharatha over a year ago. And that looks exactly like the Facebook format, and is outright hilarious!

Disclaimer: I have received a comment or two where people have found it a HUGE MISTAKE not to include the story of Kaikeyi and Dasarath and the two other wives. Here’s an addition from my side: I also did not include the story of Hanuman carrying Mt Gandhamadhana which had the flower Sanjivani to cure Lakshman of his coma during battle, either. I covered it all up in “Show 43 similar posts”
I decided to drop out the story behind Ram’s exile and the details of the war simply because this story is long as such, and I didn’t want my story to be longer so as to lose my reader. Referring to other comments, this is not to be taken as factually accurate, nor should it be considered to be educational. I wrote it for fun, just for generating a laugh or two. I do/did not intend to make mirth of the religious text of Ramayan. This article does not intend to portray any sort of disrespect towards religious sentiments. I hope you enjoy this article as a humorous piece, more than anything. Please read this in a light vein.

Pigs don’t have it easy

After the reverberating (cough) response following the coverage of The sinking of Hawaii, Doofus Maximus appears again – only this time, he has an animal’s point of view. A pig. About how they do not have it easy in this cold cruel world of humans. Now with swine flu, they hate it that their already tarnished image is being given a shot. Doofus Maximus reporting, for comic relief only.

Pigs want their oink to be heard

1st May 2009
Lasve Gas

By correspondent Dewfus Maksimus

Pigs have not had it easy for a long long time. They have been the butt of jokes and stereotypes of the human race for as long as they can remember. In the recently held swine conference held in Lasve Gas, the primary focus of the meeting was to bring together pigs from around the world to discuss how to renew their failed image among the human race. Iffaifaart Yudai, their chief spokespig expressed great hope amidst deep concern –
Ah all you swine, let our minds entwine, we need to draw the line, and recreate an image so fine, that humans see us shine, and treat us with respect as they dine!“.

Pigs are not happy with several expressions from around the world in different languages – “eat/smell like a pig“, “this place is like a pigsty“, “son of swine” etc. The last one, they say, was spoken out with deep passion in an Indian movie – Sholay (suar ke bachchon), and thereafter, most of this country’s citizens used it as a calling that lacked affection. And now, pigs feel that ‘swine flu’ is going to cause their popularity charts to plummet further. The spokespig added that humans are going to hate pigs more.
We have a poink to make. It’s not fair you know, they get the flu too! So why can’t we? If they get flu, they get the flu shot. If we get flu, we get shot.
They are indeed pushing for the renaming of the virus strain to H1N1, so that the general morale of pigs stays higher.

This event was originally organized by the GRaceful Union against Negative Treatment (GRUNT), but they were disgruntled that GRUNT did not quite reach human ears. Humans ignored it as a mere grunt. Then the management gurus advised them to change their name to Oppression and Insensitivity are Not Kool (OINK) but that failed to make a point poink as well. “We thought, at least by spelling ‘cool’ as ‘kool’ is going to get some attention!“, Mr. Yudai was heard saying.
Finally they conducted surveys among humans, the most common reply received was “Pigs forming an organization? Pffft! Yeah, and pigs can fly!” Taking the hint from the overwhelmingly common response, the organization was then renamed to PFFFT (Pigs’ Foundation For Fine Treatment) with their catch line “Pigs can fly

Let’s hope their oinks and grunts are heard this time and they have better times ahead. Below is the poster for PFFFT, an organization that has set out to make a difference.Pigs can fly poster

Photograph credits
Original bird flying image (I took this!)
Original pig from here
Original mud splatter from here

Edited to add:
Roshmi’s take on the issue – how you can turn swine flu to YOUR advantage!
Jai Iyer says (draws, rather) – After all, pigs are people too, you know!

Thaw [Movie poster]

After my 2020 based news article earlier this month, and with everyone chipping in for Earth Day 2009 – I thought I should make a contribution too – to inspire people on earth day! The earth needs to be saved, people! Do your bit everyday. Here’s a movie idea – THAW.

Thaw - The movie

Thaw - The movie

Movie name based on “Saw”
“Saw” based font borrowed from JackassRules on Deviant Art.

Global warming horror

I imagined what it would be like in 2020, by when the full effect of global warming would have hit the world. I think this is something we can expect to see in the newspapers. This is me, Doofus Maximus, reporting. For comic relief only.

Hawaii sinks. Completely.

21st February 2020
The New New York City

By correspondent Dewfus Maksimus

The world stood and stared in shock watching the last coconut tree of Hawaii go down under sea level. In a series of events across the world that involved the sinking of several islands, Hawaii, the 50th state, the “archipelago of booze”, was the 14th victim. Tens of thousands had gathered on the coast of Fornia (formerly known as California). The president expressed deep regret at this because Hawaii gave good revenue from tourism, especially from drunk college kids during spring break. In a twitter press conference held soon after, he posted the following from his cell phone – “The last time I visited Hawaii during the presidential campaign, I had seen at least eight coconut trees. I even bought a souvenir. It is sad that one can no longer sip a coconut in the sunny beaches, let alone run in slow motion.

A lot of land from the United States has succumbed to the wrath of water. Only a couple of years ago, the state of California was renamed to Fornia because most of the west coast was underwater and California had become a thin strip. The thin shape of the state could no longer contain the whole word “California” in maps and atlases. The governer, having a liking towards small names renamed it Fornia, because the ‘Cali’ part was underwater.

According to several polls and surveys conducted over the internet, ‘water‘ is now voted the #1 public enemy. People were interviewed about what corrective measure they should have taken in the 1990-2010 to prevent global warming. Indi Nayal, a citizen of DUK (Deniably United Kingdom), said “We never took global warming seriously back in the days. It was mentioned occasionally on TV but I was always under the impression that it’s not going to happen while I am going to be alive. I guess we were in denial. In denial. In-de-ni-al. Hey, that IS my name!

Another gentleman we interviewed was Italian, named Pizzacau Zes Obesiti – and he was upset on two levels. First, the long-legged-Italy (see map) lost its shoe because of the rising water levels. (Co)Incidentally, most of the soccer players were from that part of the country. Second, the country was so full of painters that the water around Italy has  a mixture of colors now.

India too lost the Andaman & Nicobar islands in 2018 followed by Lakshwadeep in 2019. However, they are not upset. The focus of the country is driven towards another issue – how to retain the water in the soil. Most of the government funding is going towards building 88 giant airtight containers that would fit all the 88 states. When the government was asked the significance of such boxes, they replied that “Food stays nice and fresh that way, because the moisture is retained. So why not scale it up a little bit? Each of these boxes will snugly cover each of the 88 states and poof, all the water stays in.” But they are having trouble with Pakistan yet again, because Pakistan wants more of Kashmir than India is willing to share. The size of the air tight container meant for Kashmir is yet to be decided after peace talks between both nations.

The bottom line is, the end is near, everyone. Global warming is very real.

Global warming is so real

So global warming is very real. Season changes are unseasonal. Winter is overstaying its welcome in several parts of the world, and other places are seeing summer temperatures soaring above 40 C in March itself. Weather patterns have changed so  much that even the common man has started observing it. For example, the number of savage storms and hurricanes across the world in the last three years alone have shattered both homes and records. The world is indeed realizing that global warming is indeed happening, but all the action is limited to saying that we need to do something about it. Well, THEN DO IT! Walk to the store, don’t drive. It’s not that hot, you will do fine without the air conditioning. Switch off all the lit advertisement billboards. No one needs to see them flashing! It’s too cold inside the house? Don’t touch that thermostat – just wear another layer. Cut less trees, use recycled wood. The list of things that can be done by the common man is endless. The Kyoto Protocol is good protocol!

I want to go to Hawaii before it sinks. Please. 🙁

Photo courtesy of that polar bear

Cop drama

An Indian cop “pulls over” a foreign driver in India

Scenario: The foreign driver (FD) hits a cow on the road, oblivious to the fact that he has committed more of a blasphemy than a felony. An Indian cop (IC) decides to take this opportunity to make some money out of it.

FD: Holy cow! Damn it!
IC: (Authoritatively swinging the baton) Hey hey hey! Do you know what you just did?
FD: Well, the cow came from nowhere! It darted in right in front of the car! I had no time to brake!
IC: No no… do you know what you just did?
FD: I hit the cow?
IC: Exactly (spits). You hit a cow. Do you know what that means?
FD: <shrugs>
IC: It means you are going to prison!
FD: Prison?! Why? It’s only a cow!
IC: Only a cow? ONLY A COW? Cows are holy! They are like our mother! Would you hit your mother with a car? And you know it is holy! You said holy cow just before I came here!
FD: I am sorry! But it came in my way!
IC: Your way? Sir! In this country, cows have right of way! If cow does not move, you go around the cow.
FD: Go around the cow? That will take me to the wrong lane!
IC: This lane, that lane… how does it matter? Go around the cow! If there are two cows, you go around both of them! You may go now.
FD: Oh.. thank you! And I am really sorry…<interrupted>
IC: I was speaking to the cow.
FD: What?! Er… look, the cow is not even hurt… it’s walking away. I cannot see why I need to go to prison!
IC: Hmmm. So you don’t want to go to prison?
FD: NO!!
IC: You foreigners! Want to see the Taj Mahal but don’t mind hitting a cow with a car! Have you seen the Taj Mahal?
FD: Er… yes…
IC: Good. Now come with me and we will discuss it over a cup of tea. Just park your car there.
FD: Park there? It says NO PARKING…
IC: I told you! Park there and come along!
FD: Sir, I am really sorry for the cow… but I really need to get going! I have a meeting to attend…<interrupted>
IC: What meeting? There is no meeting! Ok fine that will be 200 rupees.
FD: 200 rupees? For what?
IC: Look, you either give me the money or you go to jail. Er… for cowslaughter.
FD: Cowslaughter!? But I didn’t kill any cow! Do you see a dead cow?
IC: How do I know?! May be you hid the body. No wait, you are a beef eater, right? May be you ate the body!
FD: (Disgruntled) Ok, 200 bucks it is!
IC: No, 400.
FD: But you just said 200!
IC: You wasted my time. I could have easily earned another 200 for that family of 6 on a two wheeler there. So, 400.
FD: Ok ok… sorry! Here you go.
IC: Thank you thank you! And welcome to India sir. Have a pleasant stay.

Disclaimer: With all due respect to Indian policemen, this article was only written in jest. Resemblance to your life or any other’s is a freaking coincidence.

Uhmmm

Two people leave the hall from different exits. One of them is hurrying.
A man fogs his glasses and then cleans them.
An old man sneezes, and is dazed, face all red. Probably a cold.
An uninterested person picks his nose.
His companion is overdressed and she has realized that.
A 40 something woman there checks in the mirror if her kohl lines are still lines and not smudges.
A 40 something man is solving sudoku.
Another has taken a position that could be that of paying attention or of dozing.
A kid uses his nails to peel off paint from the arm of his chair.
Three people texting on their cell phones, their expressions lit by the display. One of them is smiling.
A well dressed man is there in the front, but not quite present. I wonder what he is thinking.
Is she there in the crowd, looking at me? Yes, then, no. I hope she is impressed by all this. At least a tiny bit.
What do I do after this? May be I can get myself a nice cup of coffee. And plan out next month’s vacation. Again. It makes the vacation seem closer.
The light is on my face. As I look into it, the people fade away and so do the thoughts. Actually the thoughts still stay. May be I will think about them later.
I clear my throat, and say… 
Good morning ladies and gentlemen. Today I stand before you to talk about…

My story published! :)

I had written this story a couple of years back, and it got published in Chowk today! My roommate introduced me to this, and his story got published last month.

We are family

‘Yes, I shall go and arrange for the papers in my office.’ The doctor retreated with the nurse from the room. There was a huge gush of hospital noise when the door opened and the pneumatic door closer slowly put the door back to its original position.

A child was crying somewhere. An injection, perhaps.
Trays with surgical instruments were being handled. Metal on metal.
Someone was calling for the janitor. Clear intercom system.
Lots of footsteps. Nurses with high heels.

The door closed and the room was once again filled with a low hum. If one strained the ear, the London November rain could be heard splattering on the stone benches in the lawn outside the room. Curtains were drawn, contributing more to the loud silence in the room. The periodic short and sharp beep of the instruments in the room made the silence even louder. It showed signs of life in the room.

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